Man, I hope I spelled Simon Christensen’s name right this year. Oh, fuck me, that’s wrong. Why can I not remember Christiansen? It’s not that difficult! I think I’m overcorrecting from Christianson, maybe.
Anyway, I enjoyed the hell out of last year’s Death off the Cuff, which was a spot-on Poirot parody, so I am looking forward to PataNoir as another example of Simon Christiansen doing genre well. If he disappoints me I’m eating his half of the muffin.
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I’m a big fan of Wells’ David Coperfield, so I’m interested to see what he’s done with Eric Eve’s conversation extensions.
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Time for another edition of Searches What Brung You Here, because man, you people have been outdoing yourselves.
close pissy horse sex
peanuts marbles banjo
what if vampires got herpes
how chocolate powder can reveal intriguing clues
how did hipsters ruin macrame owls
setting shit on fire and unlockable hats
little pink jeeps to look attractive
swedish man people
present your compliments to the melancholy curate
smoothfaced on a beach
milk in my pissy
Man. Now I really want to know how chocolate powder can reveal intriguing clues. (Perhaps Swedish man people know!) Some of my recent searches, for fairness:
handy french sex phrases
fluffy baby duck videos
accomplishment of six sigma process for folder review
flail snail
woman’s place is in the ford
tell how big a lake is by tasting the water
my new pink button
the history of dentistry
boring bisexual
teasing your poultry
best crappy jobs
“tony baseball”
Hey, speaking of baseball, shall we play a game?
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Right, that’s it, no more Binding of Isaac until I’ve done all this shit I swore a solemn oath to do, like revenge myself upon the… wait, lemme count my parents quick. Two.* Huh. Never mind, then.
What have we got left? Oh, hey, there’s that Beet the Devil game by one-half of the people who wrote one-half of last year’s zombie hospital games, unless I’m forgetting one or more zombie hospital games. (It is bizarre how comp games come in thematic clusters. Know how many Australian hide-and-seek games there were the past three years? None Australian hide-and-seek games, that is how many. A ha ha ha!)
* A ha ha ha!
(Future Jenni says: I totally typed that first sentence and then played a ton more Binding of Isaac, because I am a terrible person and Binding of Isaac is a really good game. Then I went and opened the door to my flying car several times just to hear it go whoosh. Seriously. The future is great and you should move here.)
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I’m back! Did you miss me? I missed me. Let’s play a game.
The blurb on this one makes it hard to tell if it’s a thriller or a comedy. A thrilledy. A Phyllis Thriller.
I am ridiculously proud of that last joke. Moving along!
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Let’s see, what next? We could play this thing that bills itself as an entry-level fantasy adventure, sure. Isn’t lutein one of the fundamental building blocks of DNA?
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Let’s take advantage of the daylight and play something creepy-looking. Hmm, fewer overt horror games on the list than last year, although I don’t trust the Australian hide-and-seek games at all. They are no doubt working together to lull us into fond complacent nostalgia so they can get their squamous eldritch tentacles all up in our brainpan and feed off our energies and like that. (Wasn’t that the plot of Needful Things? I have pretty much zero memory of what went down in Needful Things.) How about this one?
You awake in a grave, with no memory of who you are or what happened to you. Using the items around you, you must escape the entity pursuing you and uncover the astounding truth of your origin.
That’ll do, peg. That’ll do.
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I have not even the remotest idea what this game is about. This is always an exciting time, filled with potential, but it makes it difficult to RSS-buff. I should get a cat. Or have a kid. No one’s fingers would blister from the blazing speed with which they dialed social services if I had a kid, I’m sure. I had a houseplant when I lived at the Asymmetric office, a schefflera, but it was sort of unhealthy-looking when I left, and had these furry white cocoons or some shit on its leaves, and I didn’t want furry white God-knows-whats hatching in my new apartment, but I didn’t want to just throw a living thing into the garbage, so I hid it behind a hedge in the front yard and sprinted for it. I am not sure if me simply not knowing whether it’s alive or dead means it’s in a quantum state or if I actually have to set up a poison vial and a decaying atom, but yeah, I probably shouldn’t have kids, is my point.
What’s your point?
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In the outskirts of a deserted town, the adventurer carefully explore, looking for rare gems.
If there’s one thing I enjoy in a game context, it’s carefully exploring, looking for rare gems. Actually, wait, if I only get one thing, I’m’a have to go with setting shit on fucking fire. Oh, wait, no, unlockable hats!
Maybe I can trade the gems for hats and set them on fire. Yeah. That’s bound to be what this game is about.
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Known for your text adventure skills, you have been called in for help to reveal the secrets of a locked, abandoned house scheduled to be demolished soon.
I enjoy the notion that my character is a gifted text-adventure protagonist. Anssi Raisanen entered an odd, short, vivid puzzler to the competition three years ago back when people cared more about umlauts, and I am interested to see what he’s done now. I am even interested enough to shut up and start playing the game.
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Pissy Little Sausages 