A postcard from Ocean City

Hug Me, I Voted!

Will polish up and post the last couple reviews, plus do the whole post-comp rundown thing (probably in this space) once I’ve written this speech I’m supposed to have memorized by tomorrow morning for Japanese class.  (Is it that you like a food?  I also like a food!  This is the story of a food.  Let us be friends.)

IF Comp ’10 – Matt Wigdahl’s Aotearoa!

I’m very slightly dreading posting this one, because it contains an opinion on political correctness.  Therefore, because I never ever learn, I’m sharing the contentiousness with the RSS buffer.

See, I’m torn.  On the one hand, I absolutely hate the mindset, so prevalent on the internet, that if you are offended by anything you are a whiny pussy bitch with sand in your vagina, particularly if the thing you are offended by is the casual misogyny inherent in the phrase “whiny pussy bitch with sand in your vagina.”  It leads to an atmosphere where genuine hatred and intolerance are allowed to quietly coexist among people who are being ironic, people who are being funny, people who use the word “ghey” (may they burn in some special hell), and God forbid you stand up for yourself, or for someone else, or for civil rights.

On the other hand, sometimes I read things like this, and think “Wow, what manner of drugs got mixed into the sand in your vagina?”  Are any interactions that an Asian person has with the color yellow inherently racist?  Is it homophobic to have a gay character gathering firewood, because fagot once meant a bundle of sticks?  When looking at something that might be construed as offensive, depending on interpretation, are we obligated to be offended every time or never offended at all?

What does framing things in terms of being offended and stopping there do for anybody anyway?  It’s only the reaction you get on the surface when you feel things are wrong and unfair on a fundamental level.  Instead of “I’m offended,” how about “Everyone is a human being deserving of, at the very least, basic human rights, and I’m going to try every way I can think of to communicate this to you and everyone else, on the off chance that I can convince just one more person of this, because my carbon footprint is huge, I don’t pay enough attention to where my clothes are made, and this is the only way I know of to maybe make the world a slightly better place.”

…well, that was a thing that just happened.  Why am I standing on this soapbox?  Where are my clothes?

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Michael Martin’s Flight of the Hummingbird!

If you were wondering about Octodad, it is probably awesome, assuming you can master the individual limb controls that I suspect provide most or all of the game’s difficulty.  I couldn’t tell you myself, having been defeated by a four-inch-high step in the tutorial room.  This might be an indicator that the game is not, in fact, awesome, but I refuse to believe such a thing is possible.  I mean, come on, it’s Octodad!  Whoo!  Octodad!

Guys?

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Simon Christiansen’s Death Off the Cuff!

Riff tells me I will like this one.  This is heartening, because man did I hate that game Simon Christiansen did two years ago where… well, shit, that’s a spoiler, but the game is fucking called Grief, all right?  So take your best guess.  I sort of feel bad now, for having hated that game so much.  Hopefully this is the year where Simon Christiansen and I call it squaresies and split a muffin.

Update:  Oh, wait, is this a completely different guy or have I been spelling his name wrong for the past two years?  Oh my God I have.  I am such an asshole!  He’ll never split a muffin with me now!  I wouldn’t split a muffin with me either.

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Brian Rapp’s Under, In Erebus!

Huh.  To the list of search engine questions I don’t know the answer to, add “why is the Bible like a hammer?”  Because when all you have is a Bible, every problem looks like a nail?  Please, Bible, don’t hurt ’em?  Dude, I don’t know!  What kind of crazy search engine are you guys even using, that one of my Bible game reviews shows up as a result for that query?  GoAskAlice?  Gibbering Dogloaf?  QuestionsYouDon’tReallyCareAboutDotCom?  Is it even an actual search engine and not, like, something someone made you out of things they found in the yard because they ain’t got no damn money?  Are you on the internet right now, or are you out in the forest screaming into a hole?  Am I screaming into a hole?  I’m pretty sure I’m screaming into something.

Also?  The new SuperMega is pretty great.  (I want one of those shirts.)

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Steve van Gaal’s Gris et Jaune!

Gris et Jaune is French for gray and yellow, as if any of you did not actually know that.  I am just thrilled whenever I encounter something I actually remember from high school French.  Mon ami Chris a dit que le writing dans cette game est bien, dakara, nous le playons!  Vite!  Vite!  Allons-y!  Pain au chocolat!  To the bibliotheque!

[les spoilers sont beginnent ici yo]

IF Comp ’10 – Jason McIntosh’s The Warbler’s Nest!

Public safety announcement:  I haven’t even opened the folder containing this game yet, and I’m already thinking of ways to work in a “how do you like those apples, McIntosh?” joke.  I bet he’s never heard that one before!  I bet it will gratify his entire nation and they will throw me a feast.  (Guess what they eat!  No, really, guess!)

The Warbler’s Nest is apparently another horror game?  So that’s, what, five?  Six?  Which isn’t really that many, in the grand scheme of things.  Why do I feel like I’ve spent the entire competition reducing zombies to sludge and avoiding mirrors?

[spoilers begin here]

The Blind House Redux, or, I Still Have No Idea What Was Going On

Man, The Blind House must have been effective on some level, because I sure have been thinking about it a lot.  I guess if someone dressed in a bear suit rode up to me on a tiny trick bike and thrust a pot of clam chowder into my arms, then rode away screaming “fuck the librarians!”, I would be thinking about that a lot too.

Anyway, this is what I’ve been thinking.  (It is incredibly spoilery, so go play the game before you read it.)

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Ben Pennington’s The Bible Retold: The Lost Sheep!

I really want to play something that isn’t going to confuse me, and I suspect the lost sheep game is going to… what is it you do with bills, fit them or fill them?  Do you know, imaginary Walter Mondale murder puppet?  No, you don’t.  You don’t know because you aren’t real.  Back in the imaginary Walter Mondale murder puppet bucket for you, then!*

Well, whatever it is you do with bills, I am expecting this lost sheep game to go down as follows:
1)  I lose a sheep.
2)  I look for that sheep.
3)  I locate that sheep, resulting in cheers, applause, and the procurement of more tang than a space astronaut.
It is possible the game will vary significantly from these constraints, but man, I really hope not.

*  Internal dialogue had by me about this paragraph:
“Dude, you’re taking this paragraph to a weird weird place, and I’m not sure your audience will be willing to go there with you.”
“Oh, come on, man, I’m just letting off steam after playing The Blind House!  Mainly, though, I really like the sound of ‘Walter Mondale murder puppet.'”
“You have a point.  Can we put him in a Walter Mondale murder puppet bucket?”
“I believe we are obligated to, yes.”
“Hey, if two Walter Mondale puppets fight a robot in a bucket, and that robot’s made of rubber, and the bucket’s full of blubber, and the blubber’s getting sour, and the robot’s using tires, and the tires are on fire…”
“It’s a rock-’em sock-’em sour blubber bucket Walter Mondale murder puppet rubber robot dire fire tire battle.  Yes.”
“And if Frodo’s involved?”
“It’s a rock-’em sock-’em sour blubber bucket Walter Mondale murder puppet rubber robot dire fire tire battle for the fate of the Shire.  Come on, we can’t put off this Bible game forever.”

[spoilers begin here]