IF Comp ’10 – Sara Dee’s Mite!

Went and saw Jackass 3D last night.  If you’d told me as a kid that someday I would be sitting in a movie theater with 3D glasses on watching a butt made to look like a hillside shoot out feces in slow motion while a model train chugged contentedly past, I would have gone to find a grownup.

Also, I have to admit that reading the search terms that bring people here makes me feel a little inadequate.  Not only do I have absolutely no pornography to offer, not even space barbarian slashfic, I don’t know how to pronounce Adam Cadre (“veerschpelt gefracht?”), how to hide cigarette smoke in a windowless room (stand on a block of ice?), or what diseases you can catch from sausage (sausagetosis?  I don’t know!  Ask Doctor Hotdog!)

What I can do is play a game and post about it.  You’re welcome!

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Wade Clarke’s Leadlight!

What do we not want to do next?  I think there are a couple horror games kicking around.  Let’s see, there’s one with a mysterious woman, one with an infection that has spread and a they that are coming, and one with a 15-year-old girl who awakens from her normal life into a nightmare, assuming it’s semantically possible to awaken into a nightmare.  That last one sounds like the most likely to freak my shit right out, plus it’s on some kind of crazy Apple IIe emulator or somesuch!  (Wait, does that mean the 15-year-old girl is now 42 years old?)

[years-obsolete spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – ShadowK’s Oxygen!

Hmm, what else have we got that we don’t want to do?  Oh, this sounds good:

An explosion rattles the Aegis mining station and the oxygen tanks are leaking. Who gets the remaining oxygen and who will perish? The choice is up to you, a lowly technician trapped in an access conduit.

If there are two things I don’t enjoy, they’re being trapped in an access conduit and having to decide who lives and who dies.  I feel as though that is a decision best left up to Santa Claus, who is probably also more comfortable in an access conduit, given that that’s one possible way to describe a chimney.

Let us are now doing a thing!

[cookies, milk, and spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Michelle Tirto’s Gigantomania!

For the next however many games on the list, I’m going to tackle the ones I really don’t want to play, in order of how much their blurb makes them sound depressing and/or traumatizing, and a game about “living under the Stalin era, in four parts,” sounds like a clear winner.  I don’t even want to play one part of a game about living under the Stalin era.  That does not sound like fun.  That does not sound like something that is even the remotest of acquaintances with fun.  If fun invited this game to a party, this game would be all “Dude, I just got a party invite from this fun character.  Who is he and why is he friends with me on Facebook?  Also, what is a party?  Does it involve torture and genocide and the screams of babies?”

I am just saying that I don’t like things that are depressing, is all.

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Justin Morgan’s The Bible Retold: Following A Star!

Chessmen cookies!  I forgot I bought these!  Oh my God chessmen cookies!  Erin the person who I don’t know what her job title is said her brother once got his hand caught in the machine that seals those Pepperidge Farm bags to the point of inopenability and he had foil stuck to his bones. I asked her if they pulled too hard trying to get it off and all his organs sprayed across the room, but she said no.  Oh man chessmen cookies.  This is exciting.

What?  These cookies do not feature chessmen!  These cookies are all covered in mistletoe and wreaths and shit!  It is not Christmas!  I am not ready for it to be Christmas!  That settles it.  I’ll have to eat them all.

Also, I think that means God wants us to play a Bible game.  You know.  The one about Christmas.

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Timothy Peers’ Heated!

Okay, goddammit, no more Minecraft until all these comp games have been played and reviewed.  You know what I just spent six hours doing?  Filling an ocean with gravel, God help us all.

You know what playing Minecraft is like, more than anything?  Have you ever started reading a book in the afternoon, continued reading into twilight, and then suddenly some well-meaning person turns on the lights in the room and you realize how dark it had gotten and how sore your eyes are?  Imagine that happening every thirty seconds. That is what Minecraft is like.  Also I have never done any heroin but that is probably another thing that Minecraft is like.  I half-seriously suspect it of being an alien mind virus.

Minecraft is the alien mind virus, I mean, not heroin.  Heroin is the thing that aliens used to come down in their pie tin to buy until Margaret showed them how much tastier the brain chemicals produced during orgasm are.  Remember that; it’ll be on the test.

Okay, enough screwing around.  Let us play some Heated!

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Anonymous’ A Quiet Evening At Home!

It’s natural, when first handed some sort of creative tool, to use it to model things you’re familiar with.  This is why there are so many children’s crayon drawings of houses.  (I am personally guilty of having rendered the office both partially in Fallout 3 and completely in Sims 3, complete with a little sim me and a little sim Riff, to whom I gave the “Loner” trait and who consequently got a bonus to his mood whenever little sim me wasn’t around, which made actual me feel sort of odd.)  Making an in-my-apartment game as your first IF is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s just that everyone has decided they absolutely are not interested in your shitty apartment game because it has a very good chance, based on all of their previous experience with shitty apartment games, of being garbage.  Still, there’s only one way to find out.

Let’s crack this bitch wide open.

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – Owen Parish’s Pen and Paint!

I need to play Pen and Paint so I can see what all the fuss in my immediate social circle is about.  I can sort of imagine what it’s about, since my immediate association with the name Owen Parish is a sort of white-hot rage over something to do with coins, but that’s still not the same thing as personal experience.

(On the whole, I try not to let my fucking coins prior exposure to an fucking coins author’s work color my opinion of fucking coins everything else they will ever produce, because that hardly seems SERIOUSLY THOSE MOTHERFUCKING COINS fair.  Plus I feel I have to enforce some statute of limitations, let these things go eventually, or I won’t have room in my heart to be really angry about fresh puzzles, or for blood.  And I like having blood in my heart.  It is one of my favorite things.  Sometimes I like to expel it really quickly into the rest of my body and then go get some more.)

[spoilers and unintelligible rage noises begin urgle glah]

IF Comp ’10 – J. Robinson Wheeler’s The 12:54 to Asgard!

Before we get into — oh, what are we playing next?  (What’s everyone else playing?  What’s Mick playing?)  Let’s see, random.org suggests The 12:54 to Asgard by J. Robinson Wheeler.  I’ve met J. Robinson Wheeler.  He was nice.  Had a sweet hat.  I have not been J. Robinson Wheeler, though, so I could not tell you whether or not his mind is a hell.

Oh, but yeah, I wanted to share these with you.  Of all the search terms that have brought you people to this site recently, they are my favorites:

deep pyssey
put super sexi
confuse a cat
i think that sausages are magic because
hermaphrodite giant
light crack cloud
cab you catch chlamydia through the mout

I would profess to be deeply disturbed by all of you if my own personal search history did not consist of:

pudding farts
cats wearing suits
horrorshow dildo
frank sinatra barfight
ectopic pregnancy
groats
crispin glover smoking
corn hole tournament
poodle exercise
taco bell sauce packets vs. sobe caps
our friend the beaver

In my defense, the poodle exercise video is pretty amazing.  Let’s play a game!

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’10 – XYZ’s East Grove Hills!

You know XYZ, they’re that ABC cover band with really low self-esteem.  I used to love their hit single “The Look Of Oh Who Am I Kidding She Doesn’t Even Know I Exist.”

[spoilers begin here]