Archive for May, 2009


I Can’t Properly Call These Things Reviews: Adam Cadre’s 9:05!

May 21, 2009

People are often dismayed when you haven’t consumed the same media they have, and for good reason, because clearly you are a sub-human bumbling freakchild or you would have seen The Goonies WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE GOONIES EVERYONE ELSE HAS SEEN THE GOONIES GO WATCH THE GOONIES RIGHT NOW I’LL WAIT.

I myself (no!  not you!  why yes me!) have been permanently crippled in nerd society by a sadly wasted childhood. In junior high school, I began to feel a great pressure to have the “right” everything: the “right” Trapper Keeper, the “right” slap bracelets, the “right” hideous neon spandex biker shorts. “None of this will matter when I’m grown up, though,” I thought, “the important thing is being nice to people and probably working hard, although, honestly, that last one can fuck itself in the face.”

That is what they want you to believe when you’re a dumb young kid, and man, was it ever well-meaning lies. No one ever took me aside and said “Look, most of your late twenties are going to be spent in a room full of people whose very psyches were shaped by Transformers and Contra, no one is going to remember your stupid horse show where there was like a portal in the sky and a princess or whatever who the fuck cares, and your best case scenario is maybe one other person also played Boomer’s Adventure in ASMIK World and you can jerk each other off in the corner talking about metal detectors while your stupid fat tears run down your stupid fat face, you fat stupid fat fuck.”

I really liked that horse show, too.  What was I talking about?  Was I heading towards some sort of point?

Oh, who cares.  Let’s play 9:05!

[spoilers begin here, but you should go play it if you haven’t already, thus decreasing the experience gap between you and me and making us more like sisters every day]
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