I Can’t Properly Call These Things Reviews: Adam Cadre’s 9:05!May 21, 2009
People are often dismayed when you haven’t consumed the same media they have, and for good reason, because clearly you are a sub-human bumbling freakchild or you would have seen The Goonies WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THE GOONIES EVERYONE ELSE HAS SEEN THE GOONIES GO WATCH THE GOONIES RIGHT NOW I’LL WAIT.
I myself (no! not you! why yes me!) have been permanently crippled in nerd society by a sadly wasted childhood. In junior high school, I began to feel a great pressure to have the “right” everything: the “right” Trapper Keeper, the “right” slap bracelets, the “right” hideous neon spandex biker shorts. “None of this will matter when I’m grown up, though,” I thought, “the important thing is being nice to people and probably working hard, although, honestly, that last one can fuck itself in the face.”
That is what they want you to believe when you’re a dumb young kid, and man, was it ever well-meaning lies. No one ever took me aside and said “Look, most of your late twenties are going to be spent in a room full of people whose very psyches were shaped by Transformers and Contra, no one is going to remember your stupid horse show where there was like a portal in the sky and a princess or whatever who the fuck cares, and your best case scenario is maybe one other person also played Boomer’s Adventure in ASMIK World and you can jerk each other off in the corner talking about metal detectors while your stupid fat tears run down your stupid fat face, you fat stupid fat fuck.”
I really liked that horse show, too. What was I talking about? Was I heading towards some sort of point?
Oh, who cares. Let’s play 9:05!
[spoilers begin here, but you should go play it if you haven’t already, thus decreasing the experience gap between you and me and making us more like sisters every day]
Oh, shit, I am five minutes late for a presentation and someone named Hadley is going to fire my ass. No, wait, I am Hadley and someone named Bowman is going to fire my ass. I need to read more better.
Huh, it took me twenty minutes to stand up, get naked, and walk into my bathroom. I’m amazed I make it into work on time all those other days.
> open front door
[Which do you mean, the bathroom door or the front door?]
…oh dear, now it is not saying anything but Which do you mean, the bathroom door or the front door? And I can’t get WordPress to stop with these italics! What a horrible mess!
There we go. My fault for trying to play the buggy online Java version instead of downloading the thing.
I am finding myself thinking about optimization, since I am so damn late, and every failed action seems to cost me a minute. I probably should’ve removed the watch before dropping all, not forgotten to stand, maybe even not answered the phone. Oh well.
Oooh, I’m driving! It feels like I don’t get to do that a lot in IF somehow. Do I want to get on this freeway onramp? Sure, let’s.
…oh, huh, that was an interesting twist! Let’s go for the winning ending this time!
…huh. The winning ending is apparently just “You have left Las Mesas?” Okay. I guess that would’ve been a less opportune time for the Big Reveal, but I wouldn’t have minded a you’ll-get-this-if-you’re-hip-to-it sly reference. The second playthrough is rewarding anyway – I hadn’t even really read the description of the living room because I was So Darn Late, and if I had, I probably wouldn’t have wondered about my lack of television, and the blunt response to LOOK UNDER BED is pretty great, but still.
That was very short. But neat. I can’t even justify blogging it really, but I would hate to waste that RSS-buffer rant, especially the part that goes “fat stupid fat fuck.”
I’m going to see if that horse show is on YouTube.
Update: OH MY GOD THE PAW PAW BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had forgotten about the Paw Paw Bears you guys! Yes, that first sentence needed all thirteen of those exclamation points!