IF Comp ’14 – Alon Karmi & Glenn Parker’s Milk Party Palace!

October 22, 2014

Attempting to play this game has opened a Pandora’s box of plugins I need to update, because they are vulnerable.  Weren’t these the updated versions you told me to get to replace the old vulnerable plugins, Firefox?  Will the madness never cease?

Java tells me it is everywhere, even in my car.  You haven’t met my car, Java.  MS-DOS won’t even run in my car.  Sometimes my car won’t even run in my car.


…sorry, I’ll just finish this up on my own quietly.

[spoilers begin here]

Built with beta version of Unity. Will only work on your computer!
As opposed to what?  I already knew it wouldn’t work in my car; we’ve been over this.

CLICK TO BEGIN MILK, it says.  I can do that.  I can begin milk.

Oh man I know this font, that’s, um… wait, no, maybe I’m thinking of Lemondrop.  In any case I wish I didn’t have to wait for it to type itself.

Is this a game about being a night auditor at a hotel in the Midwest?  I used to be a night auditor at a hotel in the Midwest!  This game must be about me!

Huh.  This conversation tree just has a trunk.  I think it was Ron Gilbert who said that the dialogue options in Monkey Island were an excuse to write four jokes (see also Frog Fractions), so this is a missed opportunity.

Oh jeez this game wants me to take milk from a baby and give it to Alec Baldwin.  That is the exact opposite of my personal moral code.  Oh.  Never mind.  It’s not an actual baby, it’s a small Filipino man in a baby carriage.  (I can’t decide if being given everyone’s nationality feels racist or if I’m the racist because otherwise I would just assume everyone was a white American.)

You don’t know if Alec is going to want milk that’s been sat on by a tiny Filipino man, but it’ll be okay because you won’t tell him.

I have to kind of give it to a game where I can click “Become an electrician” and the game lets me take a correspondence course and earn my electrician’s license in the implied timespan of a few minutes.

“Tina, come get some ham” is also pretty funny… wait, is that from Napoleon Dynamite?  Every time I hear a quote from Napoleon Dynamite out of context, it’s usually pretty funny, but I didn’t laugh at the movie at all.  I have a theory that finding Napoleon Dynamite funny requires you never to have been a weird nerd people laughed at and you didn’t understand why they were laughing, you were just offering your llama some ham, why is that so funny, popular kids, explain to me why that is so goddamn funny?

Sorry.  Give me a minute here.  Okay.  We’re fine.  We’re completely well-adjusted grownups over here and we’re going to a milk party.

I laughed.  I also laughed at “I love children and I love putting hearts in bears, so [this company] seems like the right fit for me.”

The humor in this game is the kind you produce when you’re about in your 20s, have been working in Manatee Wacky for most of your teenage years, and have stepped up your game a bit.  You know what I mean by Manatee Wacky, right?  It’s a chaotic assortment of pop culture references and inherently funny words like “spatula” and “kumquat.”  It’s also a necessary phase in the development of an absurdist comedian.  You better fucking believe Larval Jenni was Manatee Wacky.  Shit, I just like two years ago wrote a game where a robot gives you soup.

Huh, this is the first time I’ve heard of the Piggyback Bandit.  Poor guy!

There is a grand total of one female character in this game, and she exists entirely offscreen as a name on a note about milk.  I wonder if that’s because the hotel guests are all idiosyncratic figures to be mocked and in some cases despised, and these kinds of characters default to being male unless they fit a female stereotype.  People really aren’t comfortable with the idea of a weird losery woman chugging Elmer’s glue for some reason.

Wait, is this font Axis?  No.  It’s pretty close, though.  I think that is why it looks familiar.  (What is this font?)

I win.  I win at milk party forever.

That wasn’t bad.  A bit more linear than it could have been, the funniness was uneven, and the writing could have used a shot in the arm, but I’m okay with having taken time out of my life to play it.


  1. Hey, I’m Alon, the programmer. The font is TYPOGRAPHY PRO. Thanks for liking the game, or at the very least trying it!

  2. It looks a lot like Toronto Subway to me, except that there are some characters (like uppercase G and lowercase u) that are more like Futura. (But it’s not Futura, because it’s got that curvy descender on the lowercase j.)

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