IF Comp ’14 – Kristian Kronstrand’s Caroline!

October 5, 2014

Oh God oh God this is the one that wants me to let Caroline take me by the hand

send new hand by afternoon train

[spoilers begin here]

Caroline and I are on a date.  She is cooking us spaghetti back at her place.  I told her to put on whatever she wanted music-wise and she went with Dark Side of the Moon, which as far as I am concerned is a pretty big red flag.  We’ll have to see how the spaghetti tastes before I give up on this budding relationship completely.

Mechanically, the game is choice-based except you type in your choice at a prompt.  I wonder if it accepts input beyond the choices it’s given you?  Must investigate.  No, it doesn’t.

Oh God now she’s reading me one of her poems
The crow in my stomach released through my spine
Oh God
I’m feeling my fear for the very first time
It bites and it scratches, but I don’t mind
Caroline why would you read this poem on a date
Emptiness in time is more than divine
Okay that doesn’t even scan
But little animals
Oh God what about little animals
Fill up my void
…wait in what sense exactly?  I hope that just means she has a lot of gerbils and things, as pets
While looking at the crow
The aforementioned crow, the one that just came out of your spine?  What is it doing now?
I am no more annoyed
That’s good, I think?

Oh thank God she’s done.  I have a choice between telling her I liked it and asking about it to avoid commenting.  Only one of these options is in any way ethical.

Oh God she’s found something better than writing for dealing with her feelings and she wants to show me at the park tomorrow.  I am terrified.

Uh, okay, she has taken me to see a mysterious priestess who has some questions for me, the first of which is whether I would rather kill or be killed.  Neither!  How about neither!

“Have you ever asked yourself why Jesus should be the only son of God?”
I haven’t, honestly, but I am cool with God having as many sons as they want to have.  That is between them and their god.

I think I am joining a weirdish church now?  I think I have to do this before Caroline will sleep with me?  That honestly isn’t why I’m doing it, I am just really bad at saying no.

“It is a strong sign from God.  You two are chosen to conceive the new Messiah.”
Our first date was yesterday!  This is all going a little fast!

I, uh, I think I just met a woman and agreed to conceive the son of God with her.  I am really terrible at saying no.  How am I going to explain this to my mom?

Oh good, Caroline has medium sized breasts.  As I understand from erotica, finding out the size of your partner’s sexual characteristics is the first step involved in foreplay.

Yeah, I think what I am doing here is consenting to sex.
The bra comes right off.
Oh good, it’s always a nightmare when the bra doesn’t come right off.  One time I decapitated somebody with my underwire.
You feel your orgasm getting closer.
I’ll be honest, this is maybe the least sexy sentence I have ever read with the word “orgasm” in it, and that includes a sentence from a Straight Dope column involving lesbian macaques.

Um… was that the end?  I think that might have been the end.

Well, that was really strange, but I was not bored even a little bit while it was happening.  Let’s try it again and see what difference the choices make… oh, wow, it’s really railroady.  You can’t stay at the restaurant, you can’t refuse to meet her at the park, you can’t leave the church while the ceremony is going on.  You can refuse the blessing, and refuse to run after her when she’s mad at you for refusing the blessing, and then the game just ends.  Which, if you’ve already decided you don’t want to let Caroline take you by the hand and drag you through a plotline that ends with you fathering the Messiah, is probably for the best.


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