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IF Comp ’13 – T. Orisney’s Blood on the Heather!

October 1, 2013

A trio of college students visit Scotland and get sucked into a war between vampires.

Another great blurb.  I wonder if “sucked” is an intentional pun?  Because vampires?  Get it?  Sucked?

[spoilers begin here]

I am a kleptomaniac college student on vacation with my Very Metal friend and my dependable nerd friend, and all of us are alcoh… college students.  So far this game has tons of personality and no vampires.  I will let you know the minute I see a vampire.

You get closer and see this guard has pasty white skin, long yellowed nails, and even longer … fangs.
I saw a vampire.  I think I am going to stab it with a kebab skewer.  Yes.  I did.
“I think that was a vampire,” you tell Danny.

I think I just hit a broken link as my only option.  Uncool, game!  Gonna start over and go to the concert instead of the museum this time.

You straighten your Deadfalls t-shirt
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I’m wearing the t-shirt of the band I am there to see?  I am in violation of the rules of hipness!  No wonder all these vampires want to kill me!  I am so uncool!

Help Misha live the dream. The vampire hunter dream.
What I want to know is, who reads this choice and then says “Nah, I’d rather be the voice of reason?”

You spot two or three that seem to be rotting, just like this one.
These are not the sexy kind of vampires.  Nobody call Brad Pitt.

This is a lot of exposition.  The plot hook of looking for a way to save my friends is compelling enough to make me keep reading, though.

Ralon has selfishly finished off the complementary hotel shampoo and conditioner
NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY LEMON VERBENA MOISTURETINI YOU VAMPIRE BITCH

Oh good, we are getting to the castles and lochs portion of the programming.  I like to see a nod to ye olde Scotlande in my Scots vampire fiction.  (I don’t know very much about Scotland.  The one Scottishman I know assures me that haggis is in fact a thing that happens to people, especially on Burns Night.  It’s cool that there are enough Simpsons fans over there that Mr. Burns gets his own night.)

Let it not be said that this game does not have a lot of writing in it.  I wonder how divergent the paths are?

Oh dear God vampire ex-lover spats are really the worst.

After all of these pages about glamour and Makers and nigh-indistinguishable but apparently divisive vampire philosophies I find myself half hoping for a Riverside ending.  The idea of a vampire progenitress living under the manor house of her descendants is pretty boss, though, so there’s that.

…I just got killed over shitty haiku!  Affection for this game ++.

“There once was a vamp from Dublin
Who feared he would die a virgin,
He flirted with a nun
and the two had some fun
‘Til her order found out and staked him.”
I should have been killed for this limerick.  See, in each line of a limerick, the accent is on the last syllable, which is not how you say Dublin, virgin, or staked him.  Also trying to sneak “flirted” into the third line doesn’t work; it’s got to be (da) (da) DA dee (dee) DA (dun) and you’ve got it going da DA da dee dee DUN.  I have not actually given this a lot of thought before just now but it turns out I feel very strongly about it.

A pedantic girl with a blog
Said “No, no, you’re doing it wrong!
I don’t want to complan
But your poem don’t scan
And your vampire game (while not objectionable, please don’t misunderstand me) is real long!”

Would you like to take your rage out on the Aston Martin?
No!  I love Aston Martins!  And it’s not like any of these vampires found a stranger in the Alps!*

Wait wait wait I have to smash the Aston Martin or I die?  This is terrible!  I haven’t been this upset since that vampire used all of the hotel shampoo!

Misha, Danny, and you share a group hug over the ashes of those three dead vamps.
And now we are badass vampire hunters the end!

That wasn’t bad, but honestly, I was enjoying it more before the vampires showed up.  Having Danny & Misha incapacitated makes for compelling stakes (no pun intended), but no one else in the story is as much fun to hang out with.  Also I never got to use my sweet heist skills.

* This is a reference to the TV edit of The Big Lebowski in which John Goodman smashes the shit out of someone’s car while yelling “See what happens, Larry?  You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?”  The original line is “fuck a stranger in the ass,” which makes this a great example of what Roger Ebert called Inanity Profanity.

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