IF Comp ’10 – John Evans’ The Chronicler!

November 8, 2010

Too late at night for The Blind House.  It might never be early enough in the day for The Blind House.  I looked at the sketch after reading Chris’s intro and I think The Blind House is going to freak my shit right off the shitwagon into a bucket that it keeps conveniently positioned for that very purpose, and I will have to go up to the Shitburghermeister and say “Please, Mr. Shitburghermeister, sir, might I have my shit back, if you would be so kind,” and he will say “Nein!  Neinen shit pour vous!” and I will have to check into a house for people who used to have their shit but now, sadly, do not.  Hey look, a stoat.


[spoilers begin here]

Just another research colony that’s lost touch with the rest of humanity. Curious, though, that they seemed to have enough techies to replace a radio antenna.
Why, how many techies does it take to screw in a radio antenna?
(Oh, come on, you were thinking it too.)

Light gray rhyolite surrounds you, roughly flattened, walls carved out of the mountain.
This is a weird-ass sentence even if you don’t take it to mean that I, personally, am roughly flattened with walls carved out of the mountain.  (Ow!  My north of me!)

(To press the button, simply “use” or “activate” the device.)
What if I want to press the button?  Pressing buttons has been scientifically proven to be 58% funnerer than activating devices, you know.

Not much in the way of implemented objects.  Not much in the way of knowing what the hell I’m supposed to be doing.  Wow, the future is really boring.  I found a fucking time travel device and I’m still bored.  What’s that about?

Um, was the device supposed to take me all the way back to the blue bit?  Because I was in the green bit.  And I think I am out of stuff to do in present green bit and need to go back to past green bit?  But past blue bit doesn’t have a button?  You know, the green button?  Yes, I’ve tried turning it off and back on.  You want me to rub the astrolabe?  Are you on crack?

From the help document:  Unfortunately, due to poor scheduling on my part it’s only half finished, or perhaps three-quarters.  I can only hope that you’ll find some amusement from the manipulations of objects it affords, while I apologize for the shortness of the experience.
I totally dare you to use that last sentence as a pick-up line.  (Extra points if, where it says “objects,” you substitute “my balls.”)

Dude what the fuck help document!  What white button?  What are you talking about?

Actually, you can’t.  That area is unfinished.  However, in the full game the answer would be:

Yeah.  So.  Guys?  I don’t want to see your game until you’re done with it.  I feel like this is not an unreasonable request.  And for managing to bore me in space, in the future, with a fucking time machine, The Chronicler gets a two. 


One comment

  1. Ahaha, this is great! I started playing the comp games but I found your reviews and now I’m just reading them and laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes instead.

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