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IF Comp ’10 – therealeasterbunny’s R!

November 2, 2010

There are, I think, two more horror games left, but I am sick and don’t want to play them.  You know what I do want to play?  A Windows game about pirates by someone who calls eir-or-themself* therealeasterbunny.  That sounds like pretty much exactly my speed right now.

*  Know what I want for Christmas?  A gender-neutral reflexive pronoun that does not look stupid.  Oh, and a baby to sacrifice for world peace.  And a tiny pony for that baby to ride into the volcano.

…too dark?

[spoilers begin here]

I am not sure how to feel about the word Goattybeard.  I don’t think double letters are used like that.  Personally, I would have gone with Goatbeard, which is less silly but has a nice bite to it.  Marina is a good name for my wenchfriend, though.  Also, the game runs off some sort of Scott Adams interpreter thingy, and can thus be presumed to be Scott Adams-inspired.  I have never played any sort of Scott Adams anything, although I loved him as Henry Pollard in the Starz comedy series Party Down.  (Yes, of course I had to google for that shitty joke.  Who watches Starz?)

Game-irrelevant:  Oh fuck yeah there is puppy chow on my desk!  I have been trying to maintain some semblance of control over my various fat deposits, but man, I walked past this bake sale and they were raising money for, I swear to God, removing landmines from around elementary schools in third world countries.  You try not buying a bag of puppy chow in the face of that.  Roy suggested I could have given them money and not taken the puppy chow.  Roy doesn’t understand psychology.  They’re insidious, these philanthropic bake sales.  “Well, I did my good deed!  I can get fat now!  I’ve earned it!”  The next time my thighs destroy an entire section of Tokyo I will think of those third-world children I helped save from being blown up, and smile.

But, yeah, playing a game!

I don’t know how to ‘X’ something.
Maaaan!

Oh, okay, if I click the magnifying glass, I get an EXAMINE.  That is fine, then.

Cap’n Bloodthirsty is a pretty good name for a pirate nemesis, although, and not to play Let’s Go Through Your Game and Fix the Jokes According to My Personal Taste here, I would have called him Cap’n Beardthirsty.  Because beards, dude.  Pirates.  Pirates and beards.  You know?

I feel as though EXAMINE BED should yield something more than “OK.”  (“Well, I examined it.  It was okay.”)   Huh, a bunch of things in this game are OK.  I guess it’s more cooperative-sounding than “You see nothing special,” if a bit passive-aggressive.
> EXAMINE BED AND REPORT BACK
Use 1 or 2 words only!
Damn.

Hmm.  I wonder if sinking that wooden boat is going to turn out to have been a bad idea.  Usually in these games, if you do something irrevocable and it doesn’t open up a new avenue for forward progress, it means you just hosed yourself.  No UNDO, either.  Hmm.

What do you mean you don’t know how to CUT something, game?  You just gave me a freaking cutlass!  It’s got CUT in the name even!

I am ambivalent about the piratey writing.  Usually it’s the kind of gimmick that drives me nuts (e.g. Yon Astounding Castle Wot Castles at Midnight, or whatever the name was), but where Yon Astounding Castle had a decent game going on under ye olde medieval business, R is incredibly underimplemented (in an old-school way, natch) to the point where I look forward to the “Arrr, ye be gettin’ yer rum in my parrot butter!” as the only bits without a severe interestingness impairment.

You know, it would be nice if “enter trapdoor” also responded to “down.”

Wow, I’m not sure I would have thought to GO PLANK.  I thought it was, like, a loose plank, not the kind you make people walk.  I am such a shitty pirate.

Yeah… maybe this will be nicely nostalgic for other people, but I am super not feeling it, and the walkthrough is the kind that guides you lovingly past every single failure message, which kills my desire to type it in.  Calling it a four and moving on with my life.

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