CGDC #7 – Anthony Schuster’s I Expect You To Die!February 20, 2010
Every time I am listening to the James Bond theme song as remixed by Moby and hear the exchange “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die,” I chuckle quietly to myself. Wait, that’s not an interesting story at all.
Every time I am listening to the James Bond theme song as remixed by Moby and hear the exchange “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die,” a small yellow planet on the outskirts of a solar system far from our own reverses the direction of its rotation, and the umbrella trees bloom or unbloom as they see fit. This signals the inhabitants, descendants of a space mission from the future destined to go horribly awry, that it is time to select a new mate. First, they all take their pants off and toss them onto a heap in the town square, then everyone selects a new pair more or less at random (the actual procedure is super-complicated) and searches for the person wearing a matching pair. Then everyone takes their pants off again, sets them on fire, and has sex with their cousin.
[spoilers begin here]
Oooh, auto-undo! I like this, especially if I’m expected to die.
Man, I have one turn to figure out how to put the handle back on this wardrobe. FIX doesn’t work. ATTACH tells me I would achieve nothing. I’m frustrated already, and would prefer to go back in time to before I broke the wardrobe so I could reread exactly how I’d broken it.
Oh, okay, I bend down to pick up the handle and… wait, you would think I would bend down to pick up the handle and the spear would whoosh right over me. Instead, I bend down to pick up the handle, hear a beep from the south, go south, and the spear goes whoosh where I used to be. If I do anything other than pick up the handle, the alarm clock doesn’t beep, and I’m killed by the spear. How do the wardrobe mechanism and the alarm clock know I didn’t pick up the handle?
The Baron’s tricked me into playing his CGDC #7 entry! How eeeeevil!
Oh, man, I made it out, but I was a robot, and they deactivated me. Now I’m playing as one of the Baron’s henchmen and have to put everything back the way it was. I certainly hope he pays me enough for this.
Look, I want to put the fishing pole back in the secret compartment behind the tank, all right? What do I type to be allowed to do that?
Cheating. Oh, I see, I’m not supposed to put it back yet. Perhaps there could be some sort of message to that effect?
Yay! I’ve been promoted to #2! I get an eyepatch and a cat!
That was pretty fun, if kind of slight. Could have been a bit more and a bit tidier, but I was entertained for as long as it lasted.