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CGDC #7 – Grey’s Critical Breach!

February 19, 2010

I’ve told myself I’m not allowed to play the Miles Edgeworth game until I’m done reviewing CGDC games.  Not only will this motivate me to finish, but the next fourteen reviews will be very easy to write, as each one will consist entirely of “Waaaaah!  There’s no lawyers in this game!  I want to play the Miles Edgeworth game!  I want to spray Luminol on something!”

Anyway!  Critical Breach!  This one bills itself as a science fiction/horror game, so I figure I’d better play it while it’s still sort of daytime, because, to quote something I read in a chatroom one time, “horror scares me.”

Also, huh, I’m checking my blog stats like people do, and one of you got here searching for “when fuked sill brocken.”  What does that even mean?

[spoilers begin here]

I’m surrounded by water and darkness in all directions.  Either I’m the subject/victim of some kind of experiment, or I’m at a really shitty nightclub.

It is not at all apparent what I’m supposed to do to advance the game.  I tried BREAK, and a little green spot of light appeared in front of me.  What verb now?

Huh, my mouth doesn’t open.  No wonder I’m so angry.  Most of my favorite activities require an openable mouth.  (You’re thinking I’m going somewhere sexual with this, but where I’m actually going is the direction of cake.)

I feel as though some nudging is in order here.  Oh, wait, breaking the water worked.  Maybe I should break the spot?

Ah, there we go.  That’s a relief, I would’ve felt bad pulling the walkthrough out so early.  Perhaps there could be more mention made of how angry you are and how it makes you want to break shit, or something?

Perspective change!  Now I’m either the (extremely stereotypical, as the game itself says) scientist running the horrible experiment, or I’m at a marginally less shitty nightclub.  Crap, where’d I put my keycard?  Oh, in my pocket.  You would think I would remember that it was in my pocket and pull it out when I went to SCAN KEYCARD, but as a stereotypical scientist I’m probably extremely absent-minded.  I bet I also have a radar fetish and don’t believe in God.

Hmm, the computer contains a procedure for marking specimens, but which ones should I mark?  Let’s try the scorpig, I guess.

Hey!  This scorpig wasn’t properly sedated!  If I get out of this with both arms attached, I’m going to write an angry letter!

> hug scorpig
No way.  The farther you are from it, the better.  You still have nightmares about Robert.  They could only reattach two fingers.
I know what is probably meant by this sentence, but I was expecting a scorpig attack to be much much worse, so now I’m picturing a torso with two fingers stuck back on.  “Sorry, buddy, that’s the best we can do.  On the plus side, we should have you back on that iPhone in a couple of weeks. ”

Well, the scorpig is doing a shitty job of tearing me apart.  That’s kind of nice.  And there we go, I’ve sedated it.  Now what?

Oh, I might be able to get a chip out of this dead specimen to replace the broken one?

Man.  Cheating.  Oh, I’m not supposed to use the pliers, I’m supposed to fill this beaker with disposer and drop the specimen into it.  I thought these things were waaaay larger.

Oh well, that was a nasty accident.  Now it’s time to
*CLICK*
Wait, what was that?
ohshit ohshit ohshit

Oh, cool, I just burned a hole through this door with my own blood!  (I should mention that I’m the horrible experiment again.)

Oh shiiiiit now I’m the scientist dude again I am so fucked.

Back to monster perspective:
Some garbage is on the floor.
> x garbage
A small heap of rags and debris.  It’s oozing some red fluid.
You feel bad looking at it.  Strange.
Yeah, he’s talking about the now-dead scientist dude.  Very nice touch.

Gosh, neither ending to this game is particularly happy!

Well, that was pretty good, but man could it have used some hinting.  If nothing else, USE PLIERS ON DEAD SPECIMEN and its synonyms should let you know when you try them that they ain’t gonna work.  I did like the atmosphere and the perspective shifting though.

Wait, no, I mean “fuck this game and every other game that isn’t the Miles Edgeworth game for not being the Miles Edgeworth game.”  Disregard everything I just said that wasn’t that.

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