Not Even A Review – Andrew D. Pontious’s Rematch!March 27, 2009
Riff insists I play Rematch and blog it. It’s not that simple, I would tell him, if I weren’t too lazy to open my mouth and form words. There’s the RSS feed to be considered, for one thing. Also I’m hungry. I wonder if we have any jam that is in fact jam and not marmalade?
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[very spoilery spoilers after the jump – we are talking complete puzzle solution, although to be honest I’m writing this before I’ve actually figured out the puzzle solution, which is not necessarily going to happen – anyway, play the game yourself before reading this, is what I’m getting at]
I have heard that this game is “sort of like Aisle with a twist.” We’ll see what that means, I guess. Fire up that sumbitch.
I seem to be in a pool hall hoping to prevent a guy named Nick from schooling me so thoroughly that a chick named Ines decides she’d rather bang him than me. I also seem to have a whole many of possible actions. Let’s try a few.
Oh, wow, an SUV just drove into the pool hall and killed us all! That would be the twist, then. And I have, what, one turn to prevent it? And I am supposed to blog this? Well all right then.
Hello, auto-undo. You are going to be friends with me. What’s that? You desire a tin of biscuits and a shiny new hat? Oh, what shopping there will be, auto-undo. This I promise you.
You feel a tremendous wrench — the hand of God coming down to wipe clean the temporal chalkboard. Somehow things aren’t set up exactly the same as last time….
First, Ines takes Ines’s tennis ball out of Ines’s knapsack.
Ines’s knapsack was formerly full of Ines’s tennis ball which was put there by Ines’s Ines, you see. Do you see? Ines does.
One auto-undo later, we are at pool table 90 instead of 85. Interesting.
You can’t push Nick without pushing him in a particular direction.
I can’t argue with the truth of this statement. It is impossible to push someone without pushing them in a particular direction, because of the nature of pushing. However. (I say “however” as its own sentence like that to imply that I am making the not-amused face, the one with the eyebrow just very slightly raised, you know the one.) It is extremely possible to push someone without first consciously deciding which compass direction you’re going to push them in, and, in fact, this happens quite often, because the default direction in which you push someone else is invariably away from you or it’s not actually pushing them at all IS IT. Therefore I feel very strongly that all unspecified instances of “push” should default to “direction in which I am facing.” I would also accept any random direction, since I don’t even know in which direction I’m fucking facing. (And am therefore terrible at facefucking.)
Sorry, I get a little out of sorts whenever a helpful little “say that again, only try not to suck at it” message from a parser counts as a turn, and that turn results in my death, even though I can easily undo it with auto-biscuit and it shouldn’t really aggravate me. Just one of those things, I guess. Like someone coming up to you and slapping you in the face with a snap pea, or maybe nothing like that at all. Where were we?
Okay, Ines is the one you can dare to do things, except that she isn’t. I can push one of them away, but not both, and that does nothing for me. This is going to be one of those clever-person puzzles, isn’t it, where the correct answer is DARE INES TO DRESS UP LIKE A WAITRESS AND SET NICK’S FEET ON FIRE WHILE RUNNING VERY FAST IN A SPECIFIC DIRECTION.
Riff just read that over my shoulder and said it’s probably more complicated than that. Grrrrrrr.
>tell ines nick dares her to throw tennis ball at south fan
I don’t know the word “dares”.
>tell ines nick dare her to throw tennis ball at south fan
You have lost your mind.
Okay, I can get Ines to do something if I whisper to Nick to dare her to do it. What I’m going to do is keep WHISPER NICK TO DARE INES TO in the hopper, and what Ines is going to do is throw a shitload of tennis ball, singular, although perhaps not always the same tennis ball.
This auto-undo is interesting, by the way, since instead of rewinding time slightly, like you’d think it would, it’s either rewinding farther than necessary (before you got to the pool hall and were assigned a table, at least) and then fast-forwarding, or it’s swapping you with a you from a very slightly different parallel universe, or some other explanation I haven’t thought of yet.
It plunges into the loudmouth’s stomach — a direct hit! The loudmouth exclaims, “A tennis ball, the fastest projectile of all time?!?”
>whisper nick to dare ines to throw pool ball at south fan
Which pool ball do you mean, the cue ball, the striped brown 15 pool ball, the striped green 14 pool ball, the striped orange 13 pool ball, the striped purple 12 pool ball, the striped red 11 pool ball, the striped blue 10 pool ball, the striped yellow 9 pool ball, the solid black 8 pool ball, the solid brown 7 pool ball, the solid green 6 pool ball, the solid orange 5 pool ball, the solid purple 4 pool ball, the solid red 3 pool ball, the solid blue 2 pool ball, or the solid yellow 1 pool ball?
How did I not see this coming?
Points to this game for implementation. I got Ines and Nick to make out, which I’m sure bothered the PC more than it did me. They’re obviously into each other and there are plenty more girls out there once I’m done being killed by this SUV. Which may be NEVER.
Oh, hey, I figured out a while ago that what is probably required is a bank shot, but just now made the connection: we’re in a pool hall! Clever!
Ines will not both stand on a pool table (first, you’ll have to specify which pool table, says the parser, oh how I love it so) and throw a tennis ball. She considers this cheating, I guess. Still not sure how I’m going to hit that fan.
It’s possible to whisper to Nick to dare Ines to push him (in a specified direction, naturally, we’re not animals) and then when she does he is caught off guard. Not complaining, just saying.
Ines’s tennis ball, unlike Icarus, never approaches the heavenly height of the wobbling ceiling fan […]
Unlike Icarus? Is that a hint? Should I have her set it on fire?
>whisper nick to dare ines to set nick on fire
I don’t know the word “set”.
I feel like there’s a lot going on in this pool hall that I’m not taking advantage of, but my avenues of communication with the other areas of the pool hall seem to be primarily tennis-ball shaped. Not having any new insights, but I do have pizza, which is always good.*
Don’t worry about the tiles.
I will worry about the tiles if I want to worry about the tiles and there is not a thing you can do about it.
This is about where I am with this game at the moment:
>whisper nick to dare ines to throw tennis ball at god
I don’t know the word “god”.
Which light do you mean, the lights, or Ines’s stylish light blue jacket?
I meant the lights, but now I’m curious about the jacket. Oh, now it’s an off-white jacket? That would mean auto-undo rewinds at least as far back as whenever Ines left the house, not that that matters. It probably also doesn’t matter how many stylish jackets she has, either, but I’m definitely wondering now.
I’m typing HINT. Please don’t think less of me. Yes, it is very shameful.
Pattern #3 of 3: You can undo to replay the game, but look at the descriptions afterward. Is it exactly the same each time? What’s different after one turn? After two? After twenty? Remember it says at the end of each game “You have not broken the cycle.” What kind of cycle does it mean? How can the fact that it is a cycle help you?
I DON’T KNOW.
Every nine turns I get a sense of deja vu. My character does, I mean; for me the game pretty much is deja vu. Is the number nine significant? Is this at all helpful?
Oh, that number after how many times I’ve been beaten denotes where I am in the cycle? I’m going to keep a chart.
HA! GOTCHA, FUCKERS! Eight turns from now, I mean!
…Or not. Crap.
>whisper nick to dare ines to yell table 161 at table 161
There’s no verb in that sentence!
I count three!
Okay, starting to get the picture. The girl at the counter gets the numbers from her north, which is where the loudmouth is standing. If he gets hit with a projectile, he will (for whatever reason) demand of his companion whether or not [name of projectile] is the [whatever] of [whatever]. If he’s hit by something with a number, like ohhhh I don’t know a pool ball, the counter girl will announce that number as being up.
On the other end of the link I’m missing, there is someone in the southwest who will probably smash the control panel for the fans** if tricked into thinking their time is up. Sadly, their table’s number is always higher than pool-ball range. Hmm.
I’m not attempting to brute-force this. You see me trying to brute-force this? Look over there. It’s a naked lady. Okay, I’m bored with not trying to brute-force anything.
The loudmouth looks down at the blood gushing around the fatal implement, and screams, “An Action cuestick weighing 19 ounces, the best cuestick of all time?!?” before toppling over dead.
That’s pretty great, and hints that the loudmouth will always find some number to yell. Time to whisper Nick to dare Ines to throw some shit!
Looks like a daily Far Side desktop calendar, similar to many others you’ve seen. The only difference here seems to be that the number of the day of the year (1-365) is displayed prominently on the front of the first (and presumably each subsequent) page.
Despite her anger at the desecration of her calendar, Ines can’t help but give her two cents: “You should really have dared me to throw it with something heavier,” she says to Nick.
CAN WE JUST NOT DIE ALREADY NOW PLEASE? AM I ALMOST DONE?
Okay THANK YOU! I am done now! Thank you! Goodbye!
* Do you view that as a challenge to think of scenarios in which having pizza is not good? I do. For example, you might have a pizza with tiny Communists hiding in it, waiting to shoot you in the gums.
** Why does that control panel do it? FOR THE FANS!