IF Comp ’08 Review – Jonathan Hay’s Red Moon!October 4, 2008
Update, February the fourth, 2009: I have calmed down a bit and would like to, well, not so much apologize to Jonathan Hay as, say, buy him a muffin, or something. A cute muffin with maybe a little face or some ears made of frosting. I am of course referring to the American kind of muffin, which an English friend of mine once described as “cake for fat people.” Then again, that describes about seventy percent of our non-meat food. Anyway. Jonathan Hay? You, me, muffin, cute little face. And never ever end your game like that again.
[spoilers begin here]
Well, great, I’m trapped in a room. Apparently it’s “not so much a locked door” that is preventing my escape, but “the unimaginable horrors that lurk outside.” At least I don’t seem to have a headache.
It looks like the same wood used to make the rotting wooden desk, except it hasn’t succumbed that much to… whatever causes wood to rot.
What does cause wood to rot? I don’t know. Do you know? I can’t be thinking about this right now, there are unimaginable horrors outside!
My, that salmon is huge!
A manuscript, obviously written in English. You know English, but for some strange reason you can’t seem to be able to read the manuscript. Wha?!
Clearly it’s one of them postmodern novels.
You wonder why?!
Jonathan Hay loves him some interrobang.
The computer stands resolute in its attempts to frustrate you.
Story of my life, baby, story of my life.
Wow, what a spectacularly useless clock. I shall leave it here next to the useless EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE GODDAMN ROOM.
Hey, wait, my sister was wearing a yellow… oh, she works like the clock. Gotcha.
You have reached the in-game hints. The next time you try this command, you will start receiving hints.
We’re sorry, all of our in-game hints are currently assisting other players. Please remain trapped in the room, and an in-game hint will be along to help you as soon as it is available.
Oh, it’s going to be one of those Twilight Zone sorts of games, isn’t it, where everybody was actually dolls or red blood cells or something the whole time. I never ever figure these out. Um, hmm, thinking, thinking, wait, what’s on my shirt? Was that there when I got it? Okay focus room room red room unspeakable horrors bloody walls I got nothing. Is it… something to do with the salmon?
You are a promising young footballer… no, that was in the past.
From the hints: You have to *ahem* critically analyse the reality of your situation *ahem* and make one big leap of logic *ahem*.
I knew it. I am so fucked.
You may want to hit me after you realise the solution. (I’m sorry!)
I probably will, Jonathan Hay. I generally do.
Oh, hadn’t looked at the shadows. That’s fun. Wait, five-legged octopi are scary monsters?
Points to the game for having non-stock responses for a bunch of things. That’s always good. I’m at the point with it where I’m trying to put the manuscript up my nose and things.
Even in your desperation, you remember that shadows are incorporeal.
Gaaaaaaah! I was already afraid of mirrors in real life for precisely that reason!
THANK YOU I AM NOT GOING TO BED AGAIN TONIGHT! WHY DO I PLAY THESE GAMES?!
Okay, that must’ve been an hour. I am flat-out cheating… oh you motherfucker I tried that. Apparently I needed to try it seven more goddamn times for it to actually work, and the reason I believed the game when it told me it didn’t work in the first place was because I was thinking “nah, that wouldn’t be the actual ending, everyone knows that ending is just shit,” but no, that was it. That was the ending. What a shit ending.
I’m not writing you off just yet, Jonathan Hay, because you put a decent amount of effort into your responses, and I have no spelling/punctuation/grammar beef with you, but bloody hell am I hoping this was your first game, and that your second one will NOT HAVE SUCH A SHIT ENDING JESUS CHRIST.