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IF Comp ’08 Review – Alex Whitington’s Dracula’s Underground Crypt!

October 4, 2008

The crypt is underground and belongs to Dracula, and Dracula belongs to Alex Whitington, you see. I am not altering my sentence structure just because Alex Whitington included a possessive in his game’s title. I do not do things like that.

[side note] There is something near or inside our refrigerator that makes noises, noises with the timbre and cadence of human knocking, and the reason I should not be allowed to play IF games is that they make me start thinking those noises are me, trying to get out. If I ever meet Andrew Plotkin I am going to punch him in the face so hard, once I’ve worked out how to get past the mayonnaise. Also perhaps I should go to bed. [/side note]

Anyway. Alex Whitington’s Bram Stoker’s Kenneth Branagh’s Dracula’s Underground Crypt!

[spoilers begin here]

First impressions: strong urge to excise the commas in favor of periods and the odd semi-colon. Dracula totally has a painting of Christopher Lee in his private library, though, and I enjoy that thought quite a bit.

I am enjoying this. Alex Whitington needs at least seven people to edit his next game for spelling and punctuation, but this is enjoyable; this is not crap. Also that semi-colon is slightly gratuitous but someone has to use them.  (Unlike the word “enjoy,” which should be taken from me before I hurt someone with it.)

Okay, just laughed out loud at the third book. See, Dean Menezesesez, there are these things called jokes, which are funny. Start taking notes.

Oooh, not only is this game funny, but it’s got stuffs in the environment that I can manipulate. I betcha there’s gonna be puzzles.

Oh dear, I’ve been devoured. I bet one of those puzzles is gonna be “don’t get devoured.” Will have to come back to this when things aren’t quite as six in the morning.

Update:  Okay, it’s two days later, four in the afternoon, and definitely time to give this game a full shot before I am any more influenced by horror stories about how unimplemented everything is.

The process was a little uprooted by me moving into University and suddenly being expected to have a social life […]
“Oi, Alex, you great twat, quit bollocksing around with your stupid IF rubbish and come put this Jaegermeister up your bum!”  (What?  That is how English people talk.  I watch movies.  Also the headmaster is going to get turned into rats.)

I want to unlock the drawer with the key, of course.  I like it when games assume that I am clever enough to unlock things with a key instead of, say, a pineapple, or a small piece of fiberglass.  I’m going to be all UNLOCK DRAWER WITH KEY in just a second here and if it asks me which key I am going do a shot of whatever fruity girl thing David’s bought lately.  Goldschlager, if there is any.

> unlock drawer with key
You unlock the drawer.

Oh phew.

I hope that slab isn’t going to be important, since I refuse to find it after the room description’s told me it’s right there.

Got a laugh from the fireplace carvings.  Unless this game does something to really piss me off in future, I’m going to be somewhat forgiving of it.

The woman’s arms is empty.
That is so sad!  She should hook up with that guy from When Machines Attack who doesn’t write letters because he doesn’t have a family.  Also, what the hell are you talking about?

Okay, there is a left top arm, a left bottom arm, a right bottom arm, but no right top arm.  This is the point where I stop playing until the deluxe version comes out, “deluxe” being code for “actually functional.”  I did like the fuckbuggery version well enough to actually want to play a working version, though, which is saying something.  Also, dude, seriously, seven proofreaders.  No less.  And testers!  And stop releasing things before they’re ready!

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