CGDC #7 – Team Abstract Cloud’s The Zeroeth Dimension!

What happens when fictional protagonist Zakarius Novemus lives within “The Zeroeth Dimension” until everything starts changing?  Event of my life, all the time, the virtual dimension Zakarius Novemus “Zeroeth series,” do you want to save changes?  These are the questions we must ask ourselves, even though we do not know the answers!

I am wondering whether Zakarius Novemus is a fictional protagonist in the sense of being the star of this game, or a fictional protagonist inside the game, a la whoever that guy was Will Ferrell played in that one movie, the one where he played a fictional protagonist.  Only one way to find out!

(…oh, dude, just got my Valentine’s present proper.  Check this shit out, especially the bit where it says “customers who bought this item also bought Rampaging Fuckers of Everything on the Crazy Shitting Planet of the Vomit Atmosphere.”  There is a whole world of literature I never knew existed!)

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Owen Parish’s Escape in the Dark!

Owen Parish had a game in last year’s IF Comp called The Grand Quest, which I may have gotten a tad cranky at.  No reason to suspect history will repeat itself there, though, unless there’s some peevish gypsy out there cursing people to forever write IF games that I, personally, will get cranky at.  This seems unlikely.

Should crankiness occur, though, I have a good half-bag left of these stupidly overpriced truffles Riff bought me after I thrust them into his hands and said “here, you’re buying me these stupidly overpriced truffles for Valentine’s Day,” which should help keep the sputtering rage flow down to manageable levels.  Mine, I mean, not Riff’s.

Let’s play an escape game!

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Matthew Lindquist’s Into the Open Sky!

The open sky’s not a bad thing to be into, really, although personally I kinda groove on clouds.

Hmm.  RSS buffer.  Valentine’s Day RSS buffer.  What the hell; I’m lazy; let’s have some ASCII art.

             We wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!
             -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-

               __        __        __        __
 .*.         /~ .~\    /~  ~\    /~ .~\    /~  ~\
 ***        '      `\/'      *  '      `\/'      *
  V        (                .*)(               . *)
/\|/\       \     Name   . *./  \     Name   . *./
  |          `\ .      . .*/'    `\ .      . .*/'       .*.
  |            `\ * .*. */' _    _ `\ * .*. */'         ***
                 `\ * */'  ( `\/'*)  `\ * */'          /\V
                   `\/'     \   */'    `\/'              |/\
                             `\/'                        |
                            Name Here


     --+++==##<<{{    Put Names Here          }}>>##==++--

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Brooks Reeves’ Party Foul!

And now for the game with the longest blurb!

You’re cornered, trapped. There seems to be no escape. You aren’t in a jail cell. No, you’re in the cocktail party from hell and only by using your wits and luck are you going to get out of this suburb alive.

Forty-one words, handily beating Into the Open Sky at thirty-six and Escape in the Dark at thirty-five.  I like the premise.  And the little cartoon.  Got a lot of those little pink hearts, too.  I am Expecting Great Things.

Later:  That was really good!  Go play it before spoiling yourself!

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Megan Moser and Margaret Moser’s Couch of Doom!

I wonder if the Mosers are one of those families that believes in alliterative naming. I knew a family like that, but that’s a story I’ve told already. You can find it by searching this blog for “borscht.” Or, I mean, I could just link it, but that’d deprive you of all the joy you could experience typing “borscht” into a search field and hitting enter, which is, let me assure you, considerable.

Anyway. Couch of Doom. The juxtaposition of the phrase “of doom” with a non-threatening, commonplace noun is textbook Light-Hearted Goofy, but it’s Light-Hearted Goofy of the sort I will always have a soft spot for because I used to get a fair bit of mileage out of it myself. You know, before I discovered dick jokes and being an asshole.

Let us commence the playing it!

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Paul VanKoughnett’s Paint!

Hmm, what to play next?  I know, I’ll play the one with the shortest blurb.

Destroy a painting and save lives!

Hi there, Paint.  We’ll have you first, then Couch of Doom, which has a seven-word blurb.  Yes.  Yes, that is exactly how shit is going to go down.

RSS buffer courtesy of Translation Party:
To destroy the painting, save a life!
, To destroy this picture, save a life!
Is to destroy this image, save a life!
To destroy this image to save a life!
To save lives, to destroy this image!
Destroying the image, to save a life!
, Destroying the image to save his life!
The destruction of his life to save the image!
Destruction of his life to save the image!
His life to save an image of destruction!

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – Alexander “Mordred” Andonov’s Monday, 16:30!

How long is half an hour when you are bored and miserable? How about when it’s Monday, and it’s 16:30? How about when you’re in love?
This is one of those trick questions, isn’t it.  Like what weighs more, a pound of gold or a pound of lead.  I’m not falling for that.  Roosters don’t lay eggs and you don’t bury survivors.  At least not the pretty ones you don’t.  I’m not entirely sure what that means either.

After playing some of this game:  Oh, man, you should play this one.  This is really good stuff.  I’ll let you know if it starts to suck.

After playing all of this game:  Well, it did do a thing that made me want to throw it across the room for a few seconds there, but it’s still a good game.  If it doesn’t wind up in the top three to five, I’ll be very surprised.

[spoilers begin here]

CGDC #7 – The Technomancer’s Golden Shadow!

You awaken from a strange nightmare in a gaudy golden room. Armed with nothing but your unusual top hat, can you escape?

I am playing this next because I want to know exactly what is so unusual about my top hat.  This is why it’s so important to put a good hook like this in your blurb.

As for the RSS buffer, Potato Boy proposed to my sister tonight.  Sadly, he did not present her with a ring-shaped potato, or even a potato-shaped ring, but I’m sure in time we will all recover from this massive disappointment.

Also, my cat has three boyfriends, there are actual dandelions in our front yard, and I think I just promised to attempt an Australian accent in public.  That was fucking stupid.  Good thing Muriel’s Wedding is an eminently rewatchable movie!

[spoilers begin here after this ABBA song]

CGDC #7 – Kevin Mintmier’s Containment!

Oh, man, where to start?  Gonna save the Jim Munroe game for near the end… why does Drama Queen 7 sport a vaguely Amish-looking man with an umbrella as its picture?  The blurb for Paint is amusing (“Destroy a painting and save lives!”)  I Expect You To Die makes me giggle just, y’know, as a phrase.  Party Foul looks promising.  Hmm, here’s one by that guy who did The Grand Quest.  No shit, Stephen Granade?  I thought he was a myth to frighten children with.  (“Eat your vegetables or Stephen Granade will explode your skull with his bare hands!  No, I don’t actually know anything about Stephen Granade with which to have made that a funny joke instead of a mere absurdist reference to his picture on IFwiki!  Shut up and eat your goddamned vegetables!”)

(He does look like a dude what could explode a skull if you put it in there, though. I would be all “am I right?’ but frankly I feel no need to pose a question you’re just going to answer yes to.  What the hell was I talking about?)

Oh, huh, here’s one about somebody who works the night shift and takes lots of naps.  I can relate to that.

[spoilers begin here]