Archive for February, 2010

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CGDC #7 – Nigel Smith’s Dual Transform!

February 21, 2010

This one is apparently very very cool, so I’ve saved it for last.  (Well, Hoosegow’s really last, but I’m recusing myself from judging it because Jack Welch sent me a playthrough and I told him which bits I thought were funniest and that the whole thing needed more lizard people.  I am not sure whether disqualification from judging is only for people who have been at all helpful, but I figure I might as well be on the safe side.  In any case, I’m not going to recuse myself from blogging it, because you the reader do not yet know which bits I thought were funniest and that the whole thing needs more lizard people.)

Anyway!  Dual Transform!  Expecting Great Things!

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – C. Everett’s Terminal!

February 21, 2010

As an A.I., you are trapped in the facility you are housed in. When everyone leaves, you are all alone. Fashion yourself an actual body!

Yay!  I love fashioning myself an actual body!  What do you think, excerpt from Koalas Are Little Bitches?

        If a koala goes in the water it won't be able to breathe
with its little short ass. It'd fucking drown soon aas it take
one step into the water. While they at the river trying to get
something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its
ass up. It doesn't know protection because they don't have
protection. What they little ass going to do? It can't scratch
him. The bear will beat his fucking ass.

That is absolutely correct.

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – One Man & Lots of Caffeine’s Zegrothenus!

February 21, 2010

I wonder if I have enough caffeine to play this game.  I do have several pounds of Thai tea leaves.  Damn, there’s no condensed milk.  How do you explain that, Mr. ASCII DJ?

                    @=====@
                  #=@       @=#_
                 # \/\/\/\/\/\ #\
                 @@|  _   _  |@@(
                 @@|\|_|-|_|/|@@ )
                  @|    /\   |@ (
                   |  \~~~~/ |   )
                   |   ~~~~  |   |
                    \_______/    |
             _________|   |_______(____
            /         \   /      (     `\
           /  / |  fvk \ /      |-\---,  \
   _______/  /__|_______@_______|__)___\  \________
  |\      \  \___   ______________#     |  |__     \
  |\\      /\ \  ', |\ # W W W W @@ \   /ooo  `,    \
  ||\\    '  ooo   \\#\ # W W W W @@ \ '        \    \
  || \\    \       ; \#\___o_o_o_o____\ \       ;     \
  \|_|\\    `,_____/  \|______________|  `,_____/      \
       \\                                               \
        \\                                               \
         \\_______________________________________________\
          \  ___________________________________________  |
          || |                                         || |
          || |                                         || |
          || |                                         || |
          \|_|                                         \|_|

He can’t.  He can’t explain it at all.

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Jim Munroe’s Roofed!

February 21, 2010

Jim Munroe is the guy who did Everybody Dies in 2008′s IF Comp.  I suspect if he hadn’t been up against what is arguably the most lovable game in history (and I will argue that, if you want me to, and my entire argument will consist of it’s yours, wallaroo), he would have won.

Dude can write, see.  Everybody Dies reminded me of a Douglas Coupland novel, except not Hey Nostradamus because Hey Nostradamus sucked and was awful.  (Sorry, Douglas Coupland.  I forgive you for saying you were too busy to go to Denny’s with us and then blogging about how you ate pizza alone in your hotel room, though, if that helps.)  Oh, and it had pictures!  Adorable pictures of fish!

I am excited to play this game, is what I’m trying to say here.

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Stephen Granade’s Fragile Shells!

February 21, 2010

Man, I hope I like this game, ’cause I don’t want to get my head kicked in.  I like my head.  It’s where I keep my hair.

Sorry, Stephen Granade, you’re getting ASCII art as your RSS buffer.  In years to come, this will be considered my ASCII-buffer phase.  Like anything else widely critically reviled, it will have its fans.

          __O__
        .'     '.
      .'         '.
     .  _________  .
     : |   .-.   | :
    :  |  ( - )  |  :
    :  |   " "   |  :
    :  |_________|  :
     |             |
     '   O     O   '
      ',    O    ,'
        '.......'

(It’s a Tamagotchi!  Isn’t it cute?)

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – bpsp’s Basic Train-ing!

February 21, 2010

Groan.

White-mustached tamarin (tamarin imperator)

                    ,__,
             _.-----/6 6)
          ,-'     / .='=.
         /     _./ /_-._,..
      _.-|  \.'|,:=._::,,_.
    .'_.-'\  |//..=
  ,'.'    / /_:.'.
  ::      `,.,'    :
 ::       ///     ::
 ::     ,///      ::
  ::   `. /      ::
  `:`-./ /   _.-'.'
    `-._`---'_.-'
    ,/ /:---'
   `. //
 ::/ //       l42
  / |||

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Thaidaree’s The Blueprint!

February 21, 2010

Eight games left to play, one day in which to play them.  I suck at time management.  Here we go!  Chop chop!

            ___
        .-v'---`\.
       /:/__ : __\'.
      |:/<O_>|<O>|:|         TEChNIciANs 0f SpaceShip Earth ...
      |:|\_..J...|:|           ... aNDriods aRe we ...
     _|:|\ t----j|:|_             ...'ll bAre You n0 soN ...
    /:`.| \ \__/ |.':\                ... arE In coNTrol ...
   |:   |  |---: |   :|              _   ... oF y0ur futURe deStiny
    \:  |.-::.:|-:._:/           /|.' '.  ... Circu1ts are fAiliNg
    / .-'  :'x71':  `\           ||_   |  ... adjusT me  adjuzzt me
    \/\...---.   :---.\          |   .`  ... adjust me .. AdjUst Me
    /.'`/ .'  ':'  '. \\       .'\ .'  ... adjuztme .. adJustmE ...
   | : |..:...:|:....:.|\    .'   '                      (hawkwind)
   | : |\ :   /|\   : /'.\_.'   .`
   | : | \---':| `---'\'./||  .'
   | : | |;:  :|   :|  \/::|.'
   }==={ |;:  :|   :|   `--'
   }==={/`'._  \    _\
   | : |`'-._`-:|.-'.-\
   | : |"":"""""|""":""|
   | : |  :    :|    : |
   | : |  :    :|    : |
    \: |..:  . /    :..|
    /  <      :|-   :  /
   |...|      :|-   : /
    \_/.      :|-   :|
       |      :|-   :|
cjr    \      :|-   :/
24nov99 |      |-   |

Huh, emoticons ruin ASCII art.  Screw it, I’m leaving them in!  You will learn to love them!

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Anthony Schuster’s I Expect You To Die!

February 20, 2010

Every time I am listening to the James Bond theme song as remixed by Moby and hear the exchange “Do you expect me to talk?”  “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die,” I chuckle quietly to myself.  Wait, that’s not an interesting story at all.

Every time I am listening to the James Bond theme song as remixed by Moby and hear the exchange “Do you expect me to talk?”  “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die,” a small yellow planet on the outskirts of a solar system far from our own reverses the direction of its rotation, and the umbrella trees bloom or unbloom as they see fit.  This signals the inhabitants, descendants of a space mission from the future destined to go horribly awry, that it is time to select a new mate.  First, they all take their pants off and toss them onto a heap in the town square, then everyone selects a new pair more or less at random (the actual procedure is super-complicated) and searches for the person wearing a matching pair.  Then everyone takes their pants off again, sets them on fire, and has sex with their cousin.

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Chris Daniels’ An Open Field!

February 20, 2010

Man, these reviews are just going to get more and more crap the more of them I churn out.  Usually my process – wow, what a pretentious thing to say, “my process,” it’ll be “the craft” next – involves a great deal of re-reading and revising and making sure there’s a dick joke in every paragraph, but man, I’ve only got until Sunday night to do ten more of these, so you guys are getting whatever horrid spew comes off my fingers the first time.

This is me getting all real and honest with my fanbase.  I feel like Amanda Palmer.  You guys probably don’t make dolls out of my hair and fingernail clippings, though.

Y’know, when I was twenty-one, I met a guy in a bar who told me he was an internet pornographer and that I could have a very lucrative career selling my hair and fingernail clippings.  I passed on that because I had no one to buy a watch fob for.

See what I am saying about the quality of these posts?

[spoilers begin here]

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CGDC #7 – Mark’s Virtuality!

February 20, 2010

A two room escape game where you have to… escape. However, there are no doors, no windows, no secret-trapdoor-hidden-under-the-carpet! A dangerous, *tedious* game awaits you!

I think this is the first game I’ve seen proudly advertise itself as “tedious.”  (Wait, I mean “*tedious*,” with asterisks and everything.)  This is an interesting marketing decision, to say the least.  Generally, your blurb is intended to entice, tantalize, and even – yeah, what the hell, it’s a good word – titillate potential players of your game, and under most circumstances, “tedious” is a word you would want to avoid using.

This particular blurb, however, raises an intriguing question:  just how the hell can something be tedious and dangerous at the same time?  Doesn’t fear for one’s life override tedium?  I must know!  I have to play this game!

[spoilers begin here]

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