So, I feel weird about this, but.

I have been learning about ebooks.  If, while I was doing that, you were busily harboring a secret desire to give me money for my bullshit, your chance has come.  (It’s pay-what-you-want, because probably your secret desire is to give me and my bullshit the smallest amount of money possible, and I fully support you in that.)

My practice ebook took six hours to write.  It’s quite short, and wildly uneven in quality.  Mostly about poop, and Peach & Mario’s sex life.  There are nonsensical instructions on how to make a dragon out of fish, and really skinny eyebrows for the moon.  There’s a guy called Harpsichordus Repairmagnet and the almost-adventures of Waffles the gentleman thief for whom I was too tired to actually write any adventures.  It might be worth a dollar, if you are the kind of person who runs around the zoo throwing dollars at ostriches.  It is probably definitely worth at least less than that.

Anyway, it’s a thing.

We shall never speak of it again.

(Update:  Well, damn, someone bought the thing at the ostrich price.  I’m up 56 cents!)

Spring Thing ’13 – Andrew Schultz’s A Roiling Original!

Tonight’s RSS buffer brought to you by Mouth Audio Interests, a division of Ryan Veeder.

me:  Mouth Audio Interests has got to be a front for something
Ryan:  that Pauly “Big” Mouth has his fingers in a lot of pies
me:  and a lot of pies in his mouth
Ryan:  one of his many piefingers is his literal pie business
he needs literal pie money to feed a figurative monkey
me:  ahahahaha
Piefingers is also the name of his literal pie business
Ryan:  it’s a front for literal monkey trafficking
me:  most of the overhead involves keeping the literal monkeys from eating the literal pies
Ryan:  figurative overhead
the literal monkeys are kept in the basement
me:  right, where it’s cooler
Ryan:  the pies are in a cooler!!!
me:  IT ALL MAKES SENSE
Ryan:  Pauly Mouth is a guy for whom
things just kinda
mesh

[spoilers begin here]

Monaco and Feminism, or, Give Me A Female Cleaner and A Smashburger and You Can Have All the Redheads You Want

Okay, I’m'a get real feminist for a minute, because God knows I don’t get enough death threats and people telling me I’m ugly.

[more words if you click a thing]

Spring Thing ’13 – Adam Holbrook’s Encyclopedia of Elementals!

Shameful things in my search history:

ikea horse puppet
i don’t know, son, we’re lions
rollerskating waitress jobs phoenix
ridiculous lion noise
echidna penis
ersatz homosexual relationship
larp not about vampires
a picture of a vagina
novels printed on toilet paper
don’t shoot the puppy
david bowie’s area
daisy dukes with the pockets left in

(If anyone you know needs a rollerskating waitress, hit me up!  I would be a great rollerskating waitress, or any other job I can do on roller skates!)

[spoilers begin here]

this is just to say

I have eaten the plums that — wait, fuck, no

This is just to say that the name of this blog is one of those phrases you can sing to the tune of Camptown Ladies, and it took me over four years to notice that.

Carry on with your bad selves.  I am going to sleep now.

doo-dah, doo-dah

Spring Thing ’13 — Mostly Useless’s Witch’s Girl!

Okay, Polodna.  I don’t think you managed to play half of last year’s IF Comp games.  You still haven’t played Hoosegow.  You think you can put on your big boy pants and play three whole Spring Thing games, or do you need Mommy and Daddy to take care of the monsters driving motorcycles in your closet?

…I’m a big boy.

[spoilers begin here]

IF Comp ’12 – Ethan Rupp’s Fish Bowl!

Ethan Rupp’s Fish Bowl sounds like, oh, what kind of bar does it sound like?  I see vinyl booths, pink neon, laminated menus boasting inscrutably-named cocktails with which business casuals drink away the daily indignities of their lives.  I may have to do some heavy drinking myself, given that this is a horror game and I’m playing it alone, at nearly 4 AM, like an idiot.  Maybe the apple cider in the fridge has fermented by now?  Nope, seems fine.  How ’bout you, coconut milk?  No?  Well, dammit.  I don’t even have any nutmeg.  I have, let’s see, salt, pepper, cinnamon, cumin, rice vinegar, sesame seed and peanut oils, fresh basil, and South African smoke spice, which is delicious on cucumber sandwiches.  I wish I had a cucumber sandwich.  I have one tortilla and no vegetables of any kind.  I am the worst foodie ever.

Yes, dammit, I’m hungry.  I am going to quick make some onigiri or this review will be even more about food than it’s already going to be.

[spoilers begin om nom nom]